I was at the doctor having a routine physical when the doctor noticed something out of the ordinary. I needed an imaging test, but they didn't have the equipment for that, so my doctor referred me. I had to wait another week for my husband's next day off, so between the day that I found out that I needed additional testing and the day of the actual test I had a lot of time to think, pray, and not worry. A couple days ago I wrote about talking to Jesus and that did help. The night before my test, I couldn't sleep, so I got up and wrote in my journal.
As I laid in bed just now, the sounds of the night begin to assail me. The repetitive chirping of the crickets sneaks through the window, beckoning a peek at the stars. My own heartbeat pulsates through my body, loud and obnoxious in my ears like the grating of an alarm clock. I close my eyes, trying to envision the blanket of lights poking through the sheet of ink called the night sky. I lay here, still and quiet, my body receiving the heat emanating from my spouse. I can't sleep for all the worrying I'm trying not to do.
Tomorrow the doctor will tell me if I have anything to worry about. Tomorrow I will find out if I might have cancer. I won't know if it's benign or malignant, but at least I'll know if this is the last test or if more uncomfortable situations are in my near future.
It's late and I should sleep. No amount of cricket-listening or star-gazing or heartbeat-feeling will change the composition of the anomaly in my body.
Prayer will, though. Just look at that verse up there. [With God nothing shall be impossible. Luke 1:37] God, You created me. You know every cell, every vessel, every tiny atom that makes up my body. If I have cancer, You can take it away. Hebrews 11:1 - Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. 6 - But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.
I hoped for a good report from the doctor. But I didn't just randomly think, "Ooooh, I reeeealllly hope I get good news tomorrow." I purposely chose to believe that God knew what He was doing, and that at this point in my life, the best thing for me was to not have cancer. (And if it turned out that I did have cancer, I would know without a doubt that I was wrong and that God would get me through cancer just like he got me through my stroke.)
I also read verse 6 and realized that if I didn't have enough faith to believe that God could cure my cancer before I went to the doctor, why would He? I had to believe that He is. That was hard to wrap my head around. Putting any adverb after "is" seems to limit God. He is good. He is powerful. He is love. No, He just is. Turns out it's pretty easy to have faith in Someone Who is.
So I went to my appointment, with not a worry thought in my head. I knew God was in control, and I had enough faith to believe that whatever the results turned out to be, He would give me whatever I needed to get through it.
Two weeks later, and I still haven't gotten the official results back yet. The technician told me that it didn't look like anything bad on the screen, but either way, I'm not worried. How could I be, knowing God holds me in His hand?