Before I get started down a rabbit trail of all the "why did I do that"s that I ask (because on the random day I feel meloncholic, I try to peer back down memory lane and I'm appauled at all the stuff I did. And yes, I know I spelled that word wrong. It's just every time I hear it, I think apPAULed, as opposed to apPETERed. Weird, I know. Back to topic before I think of another sentence to put in these parentheses), let me expound on the one that I came here to expound upon.
I remember the day in rehab when my friend came to me (I was to be her bridesmaid in 2 months) and she told me that she replaced me because there was no way I was going to stand up with her in my condition and maybe make a scene. Turns out I was perfectly capable of standing up for thirty minutes, evidenced by the fact that I did just that beside the guest book before the wedding.
I remember the evening at home--it was the first time I'd really cooked a meal since my stroke. I was carrying the plate of food from the kitchen to the table, and my hand just let go and food went everywhere. I was so mad at my brain! I think that was the first wake-up call that I had. I was out of the hospital, and out of rehab, but I was far from "better" again.
Then came the decision to have more kids or stop with one. My husband came from a large family, and I knew he always wanted a bunch of kids. I certainly didn't want just one, although I hadn't quite gotten on the "let's have 10 kids" wagon yet either. We prayed about it for 4 months. Obviously we didn't want to do anything rash.
Two days before Thanksgiving, I went to the hospital and had a procedure. It's official: I can't have any more children.
Ever since that day, I've gone back and forth with it in my head. I've always been like this. After a big decision, I think maybe it wasn't the best. Why did I make this decision? What had I been thinking??
In the past year, those doubts and questions have plagued me more than before. I've met and talked with people who have or had serious medical problems, and they chose to have more children because death wasn't "for sure". They figured if the doctor said, "You might die" or "you might be an invalid", it was good enough for them--to know that God would bring them through just fine. When the time came that the doctor said, "next time you WILL die", they then decided to stop.
So since the doctor just told me "you might have another stroke and it might be worse", should I have gambled it and had another kid? Was my faith not big enough to trust that God would bring me through just fine so I could take care of my family?
My husband says you know a principle is good and right if it can be strung across life to other issues. Makes sense. So, is this principle--if it's not a medically sure thing, God will bring me through--good and right? Apply it to war. It's not a for sure thing any specific person will die in war, so if we apply this principle, that means that any Christian or even anyone who's loved wouldn't die. And we know that's not true. Apply it to chemo. Or surgery. It's not for sure either will kill certain people, but people do die from them.
But wait. No one chooses to get cancer. No one (in their right mind) chooses to go to war. People (for the most part, especially people with medical problems) DO choose to have a baby, or at least choose not to stop it. So isn't this backward? Shouldn't God be more obliged to protect people who have no say in the dangerous things in their life, than protecting people who on purpose put themselves in harm's way?
Yeah, I thought so too.
I think I made the right decision. Of course, I am not saying those other people are tempting God. They might have other reasons for doing what they do. No judgment here. But for me, if I had tried to have more kids...I think I used my faith to trust God that if He wants us to have more kids, He will bring them to us.
As a side note, we have tried to adopt several times. We went through the entire course of foster care and have looked into international adoption. We've talked to a lawyer and everything. It's good to know that God is in control and will bring me a little girl when the time is right.