Tonight in church we sang "I'll go where You want me to go".
In college, I examined my heart and intentions and realized that I needed to surrender my whole life to God. I had surrendered before, but deep down I had a condition attached to it.
I would go where God wants me to go, so long as it's somewhere I want to go.
Now, if you know the back story of my family's move to Japan the first time we went, you will find this condition of mine ironic. A hundred years ago, when I was little, my dad surrendered to go anywhere God wanted, so long as it wasn't cold. So where did we end up going? To a city where we got 10 feet of snow that winter. He learned real quick that you can't put a limitation on your surrender to God.
So all my life, I've grown up knowing this. Surrendering your life to God really is an all or nothing thing. If you keep back a part of your heart, it's not really surrender.
I could reason away why I didn't want to surrender totally. I was afraid God would send me somewhere I didn't like, or not send me somewhere I did like. As if God would do anything bad for me! I guess surrender has less to do with where I want to go and what I want to do and more with trusting God to do what is best for me.
Every time I sing that song up there, I actually think about the words. I don't want to be accused of singing without thinking about what I'm singing. Funny thing is, most songs I don't think about the words, just this one. And "I Surrender All." And "Follow On." I'm sensing a pattern here...
Anyway, every time I sing that song, I start out thinking, Yeah, I've surrendered. I can honestly sing this song now. But by the time we've sung all 17 verses on doing God's will no matter what, I'm a little less certain. I'm beginning to think total surrender is the goal, like perfect holiness, but this side of Jordan we won't actually attain it. Doesn't mean we should stop striving. Just recognize that it's a life-long battle, and just when you think you have it whipped, pull out this song and think about the words. Then examine your heart and surrender again, and enjoy the peace and calm God puts in your heart because you are following Him.
That's what I do, anyway.